New Year

I cannot believe that another year has gone...................365 days........................52 weeks and the momentus occassion of my 50th birthday......................... gone forever, they say time waits for no man ............. when i look back i see the wasted time , the things i should have done and didn't, the people i should have phoned and didn't, the apologies i should have made and didn't................ I look back on this the last day of 2009 and there is a lot of regret............ a lot of things that i would have done differently if i had the chance to do it over, a lot of different decisions, a lot of different choices ......... but there is also a lot of joy, for the things i know that i did do right.
I would like to think that i did give something back for all the blessings that i know i have received, as i think of my surprise 50th birthday party, there were so many people there for me, for Karen Whittal i was so humbled by their presence, if think of the retreat, for me the highlight of my year, to be so surrounded by the presence of God is something which i will never forget, it is one of those experiences that you know no matter how hard your try cannot be repeated, cannot be duplicated, i pray that i have influenced someone, somewhere by my sermons .......... i pray that i have given just a fleeting moment of joy to someone, somewhere.................
As i go into 2010 i know that this is REALLY my year of change, but i know that i am ready, i know that i can achieve whatever i want to because God is my strength............. i can feel that he is in control, i can feel that is showing me the way, i prayed so hard for the change of heart of my husband, but each time the door was closed, and although i known that God is capable of all things, i also know that it is in his time, and that i need to bring the joy back into my life, i need to live and not to exist from day to day, i need to now consider me, my needs, my wants and my desires..................... i for the first time in my life am going to be selfish, and only do what i want to do, when i want to do it,
I know that my world will be turned upside down, i know there will be tears, I know there will be consequences.......... but i also know i am surrounded by friends who will be there for me, who will help me to to through this dark tunnel and out to the light which i know is at the end ............................
I know that when i get back into the light i will be the person i was born to be, and the person i have become over the years, in order to protect myself from the hurt, to protect myself from the insults, to protect myself from feeling will be gone forever.......................