Life is hard

I have been on a high for a few weeks now and today i came down to earth with a bang, for some reason i was just too tired for anything today, i actually slept this afternoon something that i never do, that in my life i could count on one hand how many times it has happened,

but if feels like after the high of the retreat, the real world is creeping back and no matter how hard you try, you just cannot keep up the high .......... and i wonder if everyone else is feeling that way to .......................

My "bestest" friend in the whole world really worried me with something she said on Friday, that she was feeling old, and she felt like she wouldn't have a long life, just thinking of my life without her friendship, without her guidance, without her laughter, without her wisdom, without her pointing out the "mistakes" i make, makes me want to cry ................. and i pray that she will be uplifted mightily because i know her work here is far from done.

Then i have my husband, i said at a recent talk that i did, that i am worthy, that i deserve the best, i deserve to be loved, i deserve to have someone who will take care of me, and love me for who i am with all my faults, i went on a "mission impossible" tonight, one of those stupid things you do when you want to find something, but hope that you won't because you know that if you do find something ........ you will be ripped out of your comfort zone, and be forced to make a change ......... forced to make that decision that you have been putting off for years, years that have been spent, hoping praying that somehow, somewhere, my husband will change into the shiny knight on the white horse, that he will become the Richard Gere, coming up that escalator with the single red rose ............. that he will become the Richard Gere in Pretty Woman who takes you away from your life as you know it, and gives you the world because he loves you ....... or Vin Diesel who will avenge the wrong that was done to you until he has destroyed everyone involved ................... Or Patrick Swaze in Ghost as he came back from the dead to protect the one he loved ............. that is what i want .............

i have had enough and i want my share ........................ i want something back i want something in return ...... i feel like i have given so much, that i have been "almost" patient and now i want something as a reward for all i have given ................ is that selfish......

And then i have the "race " problem i am living in a house where one daughter is as racist as they come, and the other daughter, would like nothing more than to be black ..................

I have tried to be understanding ............. i have tried to take her to their church .......... i have even taken her to a restaurant to have supper with one ................ ( where as it happened a white boy came up to her and asked her did she know that her date was black) it made me realize in these time of adjustment how much trouble she is heading for, and i had to tell her that although i will always be her mom, and will always love her, i do not and will not ever believe in marraiges between cultures and although i may have to accept it because it is her life i will never agree with it ............... am i wrong ........... life is so hard as it is, and to start life with that rope around your neck ........ what chance is there of happiness ................