Time

Do you  know  where  you're  going  to do you  like the  things  that  life  is  showing  you,  do  you  get  what  you're  hoping  for  when  you  look  behind, and  there's  no  open  door, do  you  know  where  you're  going to..................................................

This song  has  been  going through  my  head  all day  today,  and  I'm  not  quite  sure  why,  I  think  I  realised  today  that  no  matter  who  you  are........  rich,  poor,  young,  old,  fat,  thin,  tall,  short  that in  one  way  we  are  all alike,   there  is  no  difference,  the  paths we  chose  to  take  might be   different,  the mountains  we  climb  might  be  bigger,  the  oceans  we  need  to  swim  might  be  deeper  but  we  are  all  searching  for  something................

There  are  only  two  things  that  you  are  guaranteed of   in  this  life, the  first  thing  is,  that  your  life  will constantly  change, that  just  as  you  think  that  you have  everything  under control and  that  every thing  is  perfect,  someone,  somewhere,  somehow,  will throw  you  a  curve  ball, and  you will  have  to start  all over again,  trying  to have  the  "perfect  life".

The  second  certainty in  your  life  is   that  one  day  you  will have  an  appointment with  God,  that  no  matter  how  hard  you  try,  or  how  much  you  might  want   to,  because  you  know  you  are  not  ready, you  cannot  postpone it,  you  cannot  be  late  for it ,  you  cannot change  the  venue  of,  it  is  an  appointment  that  you  need  to  spend  your  life  making  sure  that  you  are  ready  for .................

Once  a  long time  ago  a  minister  said  something  that  really has  stayed  with  me  all these  years,  he said 

That  he hopes  that  there  is  no  heaven,  because otherwise  there are  so many people  that  he  loves  that  he knows  will not make  it there,  but  just  in case  there  is,  he  is  going  to make  sure that  he  spends  his  whole  life  making  sure  that  he  gets in............... that  his  name  is  written  in  the  Book  of  Live ...................... and  we  will be  the  example  that brings  other  people  to the  Lord,  and hopefully that  will include  those  he  loves.

How  many of  us  just  exist  day to  day,   not knowing  where we  are going,  not  seeing  the  open  doors  showing  us  the  way,  not  seeing  the way,  the  right  path,   until  it is  to  late  and  the  door  is  closed  because  we  took  so  long  to  make the decision  to  go  through  it,  because  we   are  so programmed  to  look  only ahead,  not  look  at all  the possibilities  around us,  some people  are  so  focused  on  life  that  they  don't get to chance to live,  they  don't  notice  the  sunsets,  and  sunrises,  don't  notice  the  rainbows,  don't  notice  the  smell  of  the  approaching  storm  or  the  smell  of  fresh  cut  grass.............. the  laughter  of  young  children,  the  bonds  of  friendship,  they  are  so  busy  trying  to  find "something"  that  they  don't  see  that  that  "something"  is  all around  us everyday  in  Gods  creation...............  God  knows  what  the  bigger  picture  is....................  you  don't  need to  know,  because  it  is  out  of  your  hands  anyway ................  and  with  God  as  you  light,  as  your  guide,  there  will always  be  open  doors,  there  will always  be  hope,  that  will always  be  answers  to problems ................. Knock  and  the  door  will be opened ..........................

Life is hard

I have been on a high for a few weeks now and today i came down to earth with a bang, for some reason i was just too tired for anything today, i actually slept this afternoon something that i never do, that in my life i could count on one hand how many times it has happened,

but if feels like after the high of the retreat, the real world is creeping back and no matter how hard you try, you just cannot keep up the high .......... and i wonder if everyone else is feeling that way to .......................

My "bestest" friend in the whole world really worried me with something she said on Friday, that she was feeling old, and she felt like she wouldn't have a long life, just thinking of my life without her friendship, without her guidance, without her laughter, without her wisdom, without her pointing out the "mistakes" i make, makes me want to cry ................. and i pray that she will be uplifted mightily because i know her work here is far from done.

Then i have my husband, i said at a recent talk that i did, that i am worthy, that i deserve the best, i deserve to be loved, i deserve to have someone who will take care of me, and love me for who i am with all my faults, i went on a "mission impossible" tonight, one of those stupid things you do when you want to find something, but hope that you won't because you know that if you do find something ........ you will be ripped out of your comfort zone, and be forced to make a change ......... forced to make that decision that you have been putting off for years, years that have been spent, hoping praying that somehow, somewhere, my husband will change into the shiny knight on the white horse, that he will become the Richard Gere, coming up that escalator with the single red rose ............. that he will become the Richard Gere in Pretty Woman who takes you away from your life as you know it, and gives you the world because he loves you ....... or Vin Diesel who will avenge the wrong that was done to you until he has destroyed everyone involved ................... Or Patrick Swaze in Ghost as he came back from the dead to protect the one he loved ............. that is what i want .............

i have had enough and i want my share ........................ i want something back i want something in return ...... i feel like i have given so much, that i have been "almost" patient and now i want something as a reward for all i have given ................ is that selfish......

And then i have the "race " problem i am living in a house where one daughter is as racist as they come, and the other daughter, would like nothing more than to be black ..................

I have tried to be understanding ............. i have tried to take her to their church .......... i have even taken her to a restaurant to have supper with one ................ ( where as it happened a white boy came up to her and asked her did she know that her date was black) it made me realize in these time of adjustment how much trouble she is heading for, and i had to tell her that although i will always be her mom, and will always love her, i do not and will not ever believe in marraiges between cultures and although i may have to accept it because it is her life i will never agree with it ............... am i wrong ........... life is so hard as it is, and to start life with that rope around your neck ........ what chance is there of happiness ................

Life

Why is so hard, why is it that it takes so much to make us stop and look at our lives, stop and look at the mistakes we have made. And what do we do when we realise that we are the one who through our own inability to see what is happening around us, gets to a place in our lives where there is just no going forward without changing everything you have known everything that you have worked for, and everything you have believed in for as long as you can remember...........................
Life knows what is happening................................ it tries to warn us , it tries to tell us what is going to be, but we walk with blinkers on, because it is just to dangerous to look beyond the now, to look at what can be, to look at what should be, to look at what we deserve to be, so life takes things into its own hands, it throws a rock, it throws a rock, and then it just flattens you with a 1 ton boulder to get your attention............................... and you know no matter what the time has come to take your life back, to take back what you have given to others with nothing in return, to take back you from the darkness which surrounds you like a thick mist......... blinding you from what you know you need to do.
Tonight i had a long conversation with someone who is very close to me someone who i have admired for as long as i can remember, someone who taught me about table decorations, and how to present food, how to bring up children, someone who i tried so hard to be like, when i first met her i was a little in awe of her, she has such presence, such self assurance, someone with so much class, with so much taste, someone who is interesting to talk to, who cooks like a master chef, who can grow anything that is green, someone who appreciates the finer things in life because that is what she was used to, that is what she expected from life and that is what she deserves to have.............. .......... someone who has reached the end of her rope, someone who is prepared to give up everthing she has, everything she has ever worked for, because she is not prepared to lose her dignity, not prepared to sacrifice her pride, not prepared to end up like the people who are part of her life, living from day to day, each day drinking more and more, not seeing the spiral that is becoming their life, not seeing there is nothing left, , no warmth, nothing to talk about, nothing to share with one another, nothing........................
What a big step........... what courage................. but she can hold her head up high she is not prepared to sacrifice one more day of her life to people who are not worthy to be a part of it......................
What an example, what a lesson for me to learn...................... before the rock hits home..........................

Computer Mouse

For the last two days, i have been at head office, which is an experience in its self, why is it that some IT people just don't have any person skills, i think i was rather a culture shock to them, being the quiet, reserved person that i am.......................... (hahaha) they really had no idea how to deal, with my off the cuff comments., or my wit ............... On the first day people would come into the room and sit down, without saying a word, i know that my parents taught me when you enter a room you greet everyone before you sit down, as the people were coming in to the conference room i was asking who they were, which branch they were from, in the beginning you would have thought that i was an alien from another planet, but it was amazing how quickly they relaxed, and took part in the discussions.
The reason that i had to leave home at the crack of dawn for the last two mornings ( and boy were were those crack of dawns absolutely breath taking ) to get there was because we are going on a new computer system, and all the ground work has been completed and we were making sure that everything that we asked for had been done. We were going through all the features, that the system has to offer. I don't think there is anything more boring than watching someone else, operating a mouse, while you sit and watch.........................clicking here and clicking there showing you what all the features are.............. right click here and this happens left click there and that happens, tab and this happens, drag and this happens...........................
It made me start thinking, wouldn't it be great if our lives were that simple, if you do this for your husband he will do that for you................... if you do that for your daughter she will do that for you............................ if you ask for this you will get that ..... it you dont do this you won't get that..................................... if you make a mistake you can "delete" and "reinstate " and no one will know you made a mistake, if you use the wrong words, you can "bounce" them back and all will be as it was before the words were spoken.
Unfortunately life is not like that, and actions have consequences, and every decision we make will positively or negitively affect either ourselves or someone else how easy like would be if we could just use the "mouse." .............................. but...........................how boring would life be, no excitement , no joy, no expectations, no surprises, no unexpected acts of kindness, no sms's from friends, no unexpected coffee dates , no need for faith......................... and is that not what life is all about, embracing the unexpected, finding hope in the unknown having faith that God is in control and that he knows exactly where your life is going..................our responsiblilty it to pray that we do it right................. and the best part is, if we don't get it right today then God gives us tomorrow to try again............................. So i am glad that life is not controlled by a mouse.................. but by the choices i make every day whether they are right or wrong, whether the take me forward or backward, whether they bring me joy or sadness at least they are my choices. made with a lot of faith ...................................

Music and Life

My daughter left her CD case in my car the other day, she had needed to use my car, a bakkie to load some shelving for a scrap booking day she was attending, which of course was no problem for me, as i just love driving a "normal" car for a change, i can at least "dice" from robot to robot, which is something that i don't even attempt in my gas guzzling "tank", i can reverse park in a street parking, and don't have to drive around until i can get a parking that i can just drive straight into......... and i can go round corners without having to move my hands on the steering wheel............... i know its sad......... that such small things could bring me so much joy, but i think i am beginning to convince myself that my next mode of transport, is going to be a normal car, with a boot, in to which i can put my shopping, and not be afraid, as i am at present, because it is visible on the back seat, some affirmative shopper, or previously disadvantaged person, is going to break into my car and steal it.
When we swopped cars back she had left her CD case in my car, I realised that both my daughters have "unusual" taste in music, very much like my Dad who would listen to anything, my daughter has Cd's covering rock, country, ballads, instumental, religious music and Afrikaans music, she i must admit, does not have the horror of all music "house" music which my youngest daughter is just mad about, and which she delights on inflicting on me almost every opportunity that she gets, i am afraid or maybe i should say embarrassed to say that i like songs i can hear the words too , words that actually make sense and are grammatically acceptable, and that you can sing along to, without having to miss all the swear words.............One of the CD's she did have was by Shane Ward, ( i think that it his name, but i would like to stand under correction, because with my music knowledge i could be mistaken) which when i gave the CD case back to her, she assured me i could keep because she never listens to it, maybe my daughters are to advanced for such simple and cleancut songs..............
One of the songs on the Cd really touched a cord in my heart, i am not sure what the title of the song is, i am terrible with songs and music, the Backstreet Boys, Westlife and Boys to Men all sound like the same group to me, luckily my children are aware of this and have learned to interpret who i am talking about............., in fact i sometimes think that they are the only ones who understand me when it comes to talking music.
The words tell of people whose, life is just passing by and then one day they take a stand,
" What about me, It isn't fair, i have had enough and i want my share, can't you see I want to live, but you just take more than you give"
How many of us take others for granted, friends, people we work with, how many of us assume that people want to help us, have time to collect, or pick things up for us, and how many of those people are really just doing it because they are afraid to annoy us or dissappoint us...........
How many of us are putting up with situations because we are just afraid to take a stand...................... for me it is time to take that stand............................
" What about me, it isn't fair, i have had enought, and i want my share, can't you see i want to live, but you just take more than you give"