I had forgotten to give one of the other organisers one of the gifts that needed to be handed out, so drove through on Saturday afternoon and had lunch with everyone to drop them off. it really broke my heart knowing I should have been there with everyone..........
But when I look back now I realise that it was in the trip there and back that I learnt the lesson that I was supposed to learn this weekend..............
As I was driving the scenery was amazing.................... alternating between undulating hills and grass plains at one point along the road there were horses taking a bath in a farm dam, , running through the water it almost looked like they were splashing one another.
Then there were cows grazing without a worry in the world, calm, peaceful, everything they needed right there, grass from the veld and water from the stream, what else did they need, a life uncomplicated by relationships, possessions, anger, lies, hurt...........
Then I noticed the veld grass in full flower there white tips blowing in the breeze looking like waves of white foam, being thrown backwards and forwards huge pockets of grass moving almost as it they were alive and trying to reach out for something, straining to reach into the unknown, fields of yellow and purple flowers, who even though we had not yet had rain had erupted into fields of colour waiting knowing, having absolute faith that the rain would come..
When we went to go and look at the place a month ago to see what we needed to take with us on the retreat, there were entire fields where the veld had been ravaged by fire, but driving along today the unburnt sections, the brown grasses looked dusty, and old but the places that had been destroyed by the fire, had sprouted into luscious fields, bright green in there newness, without a drop of rain having fallen, the grass and flowers didn't wait for rain, it didn't wait for lower temperatures, just in case it got burnt in the son, it did what came naturally it renewed its life, in faith looking forward to Gods provision of rain.
During lunch the wind came up and the sky began to darken and there was a promise of rain in the air at last ......... on the way home the wind was blowing and at a particularly isolated part of the trip and with only a few cows grazing in the field, and as my sister said later, they probably thought I was just another cow with "Mad Cow Disease" I got out of the car and I screamed................. yep............. screamed.............. screamed until my throat hurt............ screamed until i had released all the hate and bitterness inside me.............. screamed to God for help............ screamed for my lost life.............. screamed for my lost love........................ and as I got back into the car a peace came over me....... and I knew that I was going to okay, that we were going to be okay ................ we were walking safely wrapped in Gods arms, protection and love ............... all I needed was to trust in Him, like the flowers, like the grasses, like the cows................
As we sat on my beloved verandah later that afternoon the wind started to blow, and we could hear the storm getting closer and closer, the promise of the first Highveld Storm, becoming more and more promising, the lightning echoed through the valley and it was like the entire world was waiting, waiting with baited breath to see if this was finally it, everything to scared to move, to scared to make a noise in case something scared it off, there was completed silence while we waited............ and as I sat and watched the Syringa tree in the garden, covered in sweet smelling purple flowers blowing in the wind, at that moment for me, it looked as if its branches where waving in praise, praising God, for the fullfillment of his promise............. and then we could hear the rain coming as it started pounding on the roof tops, and then it was our turn, I ran into the rain, ran to wash myself of the past.......................
This morning as I sit and blog on my verandah everything looks clean, everything looks fresh, the grass is almost dry and it is only 6 in the morning, everything was just so thirsty, ......... the birds are singing............ and all is well with the world............... all is well with my world.............................. you see this weekend I learnt the lesson......... I am not in control of my life God is......... and i need to just have FAITH
