Eina, it hurts

When i started this blog, i started with some changes in my life, you see all that glitters is not gold. I have a good life, i have two great girls who i love more than life itself, i have a great job, i have loads of absolutely amazing friends who i love dearly, and a sister who is the absolute best ever. Yet here i am on a Saturday all alone, i could have gone out tonight everyone is together and they watched the rugby and had a braai, but some times you just don't want to be the 5th wheel, sometimes, being together with people who are couples is just too much when you know that you just don't have that in your life, and it doesn't matter how much you say you don't mind or how much you convince yourself that it is okay, you can do it on your own, or how many jokes you make to hide your hurt, every now and again, you get those days when you just want someone to hold you, someone to take control, someone who is just there for you, someone to love. On Fridays every week a dear friend and i pray, and this week i prayed that God would take my husband out of my life or change him. Tall order i know, but the clock is tick ticking away and i know that i deserve the best, i know that i am worthy of someone loving me with all their heart i know that i have a lot to offer, i also know that you can never go back, you can never change what has happened, you can never take back what you said, once it is out there, it is out there, and, sorry will never change it, and you can forgive and move on, but deep inside no matter how hard you try, the bricks begin to build up until, you have a ten foot wall around you, that even you cannot see where the sun is.
And i suppose it would be easy to curl up on my bed, and feel sorry for myself, my mother was on anti- depressions pills for years, which i don't think work when you take them with alcohol and i don't think that she knew that, but i WILL NOT because i have my Father in heaven who loves me more than any human can, even with my faults, even with my sins, even with my lack of patience, even with my weaknesses, and he pushes me to carry on, because i know he wants the best for me, and that he will give me what i ask for in his time, and so that is as much feeling sorry for myself i am going to allow for a while.