Aging

As  a child  my  Mom  used  to tell me  that  if  i  pulled  funny faces,  my face  would  stay  like that  if  the  wind  changed,    as  a  child  just  like  i  believed  in  Santa  Claus,  the  Easter  Bunny  and  the  Tooth  Fairy,  i  believed  her  and  really  tried  not  to pull any  ugly  faces,  especially  if  the  wind  was  blowing................. thank  goodness,  i  did  not  live  at the coast  where  the  wind  never  stops  blowing,  who  knows  what  kind  of  trouble  i  would  be  in  now ..............

As  i look  in  the mirror  now, having  just  had  my FIFTIETH  birthday,  i see the  wrinkles,  i see the  ever deepening  laugh lines  around  my  mouth,   i  see the small  age  lines  on  my  neck,  and  i realised  that  it  may  be  years  later,  but  i am  sure ..........  no  convinced .......... that  i am  now  being  punished  for  all those  ugly  faces  i  pulled  as  a  child,  and that  nature  is  having  its  revenge  and  it  is  not  the wind  that  is  taking   revenge,  no, revenge   is  being  taken by gravity ....................

There  is  nothing  that  is  not  sagging,  slowly,  but   surely  making  its  way  down  south ........  and  when  it  reaches  true  south   just  what  happens  then .......................

The  "ties"  birthdays  i  have  always  hated,  the  20's ,  the  30's,  the  40's  i  cried  all day,  i  just  did  not want  to make that  transition  that  crawl   from  being  a  teenager,   to  being  in  the twenties,  that  step  from  being  a  twenty  something  "girl"  to  a  thirty  something  "woman",  and  then  there  was  the  jump  from  being  thirty  something  

 "woman"  to  being " middle  aged"  lady  a   "tannie"  at  fourty  something.............  and  as  my FIFTIETH  birthday  came  as  i took  that  leap  from  being  the "tannie"  to  being  ????? 

I  am  Fifty,  and  as  i look  at  my face,  every  line  has  been  earned,  every  laugh  line is  caused  just by  that,  years  of laughter,  years  of  seeing  the  funny  side  of  all situations,  years  of  smiling  because  even  with  its  problems,  even  when  the  days  were  sometimes  raining  and  dark,  there  was  always  something  to  smile  about,  there  was  always  something  which  made  it  all  worth  while  there  was  always  something  that  made it  fun  to  get  up  in  the 

mornings.......................  as  i  look  at the  wrinkles,  each  one  is  earned .........  years  of  being  a mother,   sleepless nights, hours  in  doctors  rooms,  hours  in  hospitals,   broken  bones,  broken  hearts .............. years of  being  a career

woman,  years  of  deadlines,  years  of budgets,  forecasts,  accounts  hours  of  sleepless nights  trying  to get  accounts  to  balance,  budgets  to  balance,  employees   lives  to balance ............  years  of  being  a wife ,  fears  of  of self  doubt,  of  self  worth,  of never  being  good  enough ...........

And  now  i am  fifty ..............  still in great health,  thinner  than  70%  of the  population........... smarter  than   80 % of  the  population............  and  more  energy  than  90 %  of  the  population ....................... and  a  greater  desire  to change  everything  in  this  my  sixth  decade  than  99.9999%  of  the  population..........  so  next  time  i look  in  the mirror  i  will smile  because  life  is  good ..................

And   i  will  be  thankful  because  i  could have  had  all these  problems ...................

Quiet Places

Where  do you  go to my lovely when  your  alone  in your  head,  tell me  the dreams  that  surround  you,  i  want  to look  inside  your  head , yes  i do..................................

This  song  has  been  going  around  in  my  head  for  days,  how much  easier  would  it  be  if  you could  actually  get  inside  someone's  head and  hear  what  they  were  thinking............. that  you did  not  have  to  rely,  on  body language,  on  what  people  say,  because  often  what  we  say  and  how  we  say  it,  does  not  actually  match  up  with how  we  wanted  it  to come  across,  how  we  wanted  to explain  it,  how we  wanted  to describe it..............

I was  lying on  my bed  the  other  night,  i say  on  my bed,  because  i seldom actually  get  into  bed  it  is  just  too  hot,   almost the same  as  my life  i just  hover  around  the outside  making  sure  everyone  else  is  happy,  but  to afraid  to get  inside  me.........  to  see what  i want ......for  some  reason  i  could  not  sleep,  the  rain  was  falling  softly, and  it  was  so peaceful,  no  cars rushing  to  get  home because  they  are  out  too  late,  no  motorbikes buzzing  around  deliverying newspapers,  no  people walking  around talking  and causing  everydog  in  the neighbour to greet them , no  dogs  barking at  shadows,  no  cats  seranading  the moonlight,  just  absolute  quiet ....................................... 

It made  me  think  of how  little we  are  truely quiet,  how little  we  take  the  time  to do nothing, think nothing, be nothing,  give  our  brains  that  are  firing  at  500 000 thoughts  per  second  a chance  to  recharge,  a  change  to  catch  up  on  the  information  which  is  swirling  through  its  wires,  24  hours  a  day  365  days  a year,  all the  days  of  your life .................. it  reminds  me  of those  science  fiction  movies  when  you  see the  virus  in  computors  going  through  all the  wires  at  lightning  speed.............  green  lights  flashing ..............  blue  lights  flashing ..............

red  lights  flashing ............................... and  then  blackness,  as  all  memory  is  lost ..............

Then  i  think  of  the  place  that  i  go  to  when  things  become  overwhelming,  that  field  of  sun flowers  blowing  in  the  breeze..............

 the yellow  faces  smiling  upwards  at  the son ........ following  it  all day,  to  get the  full benefit  of  its  rays,  the  full benefit  of  its  warmth,  the  full benefit  of  its  love ........................ depending  entirely on  it  for  everything  it  needs  everyday. The  cool  blue  stream,  gurgling  as  it  passes  over  stones,  round  and  smooth,  from  decades  of  polishing as  the  waters  pass over  it,  sometimes  peaceful  and  slowly,  and  sometimes  with  great  force  as  the  storm  waters  fill the  river  and  rage  there  way  onways  to  the sea......... knowing  that  it  needs  to  do nothing ...............  that  is  has  no way  of  changing  what  is  coming.......  that  it  will come  no  matter  what   but  trusting,  trusting  with  every  drop  of  water  that  it  will be  alright .................  just  like  us  when  we  take  the  time  to  go  to our  quiet  place  and  be with  the  Father  that  loves  you  more  than  life  itself ...............................

The Chair

On  my patio/verandah  i have  a   small, white, square wooden table  and  chairs, covered  in  a green and  white  striped  canvas,  it always  reminds  me  of  the old  deck  chairs  that  you used  to be able  to  buy,  the old  fashioned wooden  ones  you used  to  see  in  the movies , people  used  to  hire  them  on  the  beach, they  just  give  you  that "warm fuzzy feeling" of  familiarity, of  the  good  old  days that  have  long  since  gone, i just  love  sitting  outside  in  the quiet  of  the mornings  listening to the birds, the warm  cooing  of  the  doves  and  pidgeons,  the  loud  screeches  of  the  hadida's  the  gentle  chatter  of  the  sparrows,  the noisy hammering  of  the  African  hoepoes, there  is  always that  slight  chill in  the air in  the  mornings, not  enough  that  you  need  a  jersey,  but  enough  to  give  you  goose  bumps from  time  to time,   and this  is  where i   have  my  first  cup  of  tea,  and this  is  where  i  do  my  blogging,  for  some reason  this piece  of  furniture, this piece  of  wood,  well,  it makes me feel that  am  surrounded by things  that  love  me, it makes  me  feel  safe, it makes  me  feel  like  i belong ................
On my verandah  however  i  now  have  a  new  chair a present,  given  to  me  by  my  new  son  in law,  a chair  he  made  himself,  a wooden chair  made  from  tree branches,  surrounded  by  wire  and  filled  with batting,  so  that  i can  fill it  with  flowers.

Empty  the  chair looks  lonely,  sad,  it looks  like  it  has  seen  better  days,  it  looks  like  all hope  is  lost  that  it  will never  be  something  of  beauty, that  it  has  resigned  itself  to being  this  weird  looking  chair,  that  it  can  never  be anything  more  because  it  is just  now  worthy..................  maybe  a lot  of us are like that    we  are  empty,  we  need and  rely  on  others  to  make  us  happy,  we  expect  others  to  give  us  the joy  that  will see us  through  each  day................. but  we you  see  unlike  the  chair, that  needs  someone  to  transform  it  into  a thing  of  beauty, we can  choose ourselves  to  transform  ourselves  into  a thing  of  beauty.......... 
Yesteday  my daughter  and  i went  out  to the nursery  to  buy  the plants  to  fill this  empty  chair,  after  a  somewhat  shaky  start,  because  we  both  had  different  ideas  as  to  how  the  chair  should  look, when  it  was  filled  with  flowers,  i was  going  with  rows  of organised  colour,  and  she  wanted  mixed  colour,  we found  and  bought  the  plants  we needed.............. and  that  is  what we  need  to  do,  no matter  how shaky  we  are,  no matter  how  different  we  are,  no  matter  how different  we  see things, we  need  to find  the "thing"  that  fills  our  life,  the  thing  that  brings  out  our  inner  and  outer  beauty,  the  thing  that transforms  us  from  "Ordinary"  to "Extraordinary" in the words  of  the  amazing  Angela  Thomas.
I have  had  the  chair  for  4  days  now,  and  it  is  still not filled  with  flowers,  no time,  the shops  were closed, it  was  pouring  down  with  rain,  there  was  101 reasons  why  it  could  not  be transformed into that special  something........................... do  we  not  do  the same thing,  keeping  putting  things  off,  keep
finding  reasons  excuses  as  to why  we  cannot  do  something,   to change  something,   to improve  ourselves,  spend  time  on  ourselves,  give  time  to ourselves,  you  see  are we  not   afraid,  that  if  we  do  transform  ourselves  into  a "new person"  a new  you.....................  you will see  just  how  much  "life'  we  have  wasted .........................
And  you  see it  actually takes  no time at  all to take  something  "Ordinary"  and  change  it  into  something  "Extraordinary" ..........................................

New Year

New  Year,  that  time  of  the  year we  get  a chance  to  reflect  on  those  things  we  should  have  done,  those  people  we  could  have/should  have  helped,  a  brand  new  beginning a  chance  to  start  again,  to  change  those  things  about  ourselves  and our  lives  that  we  are  not  happy with,  to  take  the perverbial  bull by the horns,  and  start  the  year again  with  a  clean  page........   we  get  to chose  the  "ink"  we  get  to chose the  "font"  we  get  to  chose  the  "format"  and  is  that  not  what  new  beginnings  are  all about  choices ..........
Yesterday  i  spoke  to someone  at  a braai,  he was  outside  smoking  and  i asked  him,  why he  had  not  given  up smoking  as a New  Years  resolutions,  as  it  was  expensive  and unhealthy,  his  answer  was  he only  makes  one  New  Years  resolution every  year  and  this  year  it  was to wake  up  and  jump  straight  into  the  pool........  it  made  me  think  how  sad,  that  he  had  nothing  to  challenge  himself  with,  nothing  to  push  himself  towards,  his  goals  for  the year  had  been  achieved  two  minutes  after  he  had  woken  up, although  we  don't  always  succeed  New  Years  Resolutions  give  us  the opportunity to reflect,  on  our  lives  and  what  we  can  and  need to  do  to  make  them  richer ............ It  doesn't  matter that  you  don't  always  succeed...............  what  matters  is  your  tried...................
In  line  with  my decisions  before  my  daughter  and  i  went  on  our  "road  trip" i have  been  trying  to  do everything  differently,  but  just  a word  of  advise  for future  reference,  Morrocan  Lamb  is  not  a supper  option  on  a long  trip  it  is  very........very .......  very  rich  and  the  330  kilometers  between  Bloemfontein  and  the  first  garage  is  very far  when  you  have  a need ...............................
My  New  Year  definitely  started  off differently  i  stayed  in  my pyjamas  until  11 o'clock,  i am  normally up  early  and  by at  least  7 o'clock  am  bathed  and dressed  and  ready  to  start  the day,  i can  tell you  it  was  not  easy,  the  bath  i am  positive  was calling  my name,  and  i had  to fight  of  the temptation  to  do  things  the  same,  I   made  the salads,  i made  the pudding  for  the braai,  i did  the washing,  i hung  all the  pictures  that  have  been lying  around  all year waiting  for  someone  to have  the  time  to  show  them  off on  the walls,   i gave  myself  a  face  mask  and walked  around  for  an  hour  looking  like  a cracked  old clay  pot ............. and  then  had  the  bath,  i  must  say  i quite  enjoyed  it  and  think  i  will definitely  make  it  something  that  i incorporate  into  my weekends.
I  made  a point  at the braai  to speak  to every  person  there  and  realised  that  we  all just  want  to be  accepted,  that we  all want  to be  part  of  something,  that  we  all need to belong .......................... it  is amazing  how  interesting  people are  when  you  just  take  the  time  to talk  to them.
This  morning  i  woke  up  and  realised   for the first  time  in  a  long  time  i  had  dreamt  last  night,  the dream  was  so vivid,  and  so  weird .........  because  i  dream't that  i  was  getting married,  which  is  strange  because  of  the fact  that  i have  started  divorce  proceedings...........  so  i  looked  up  what  this  means  and  i  was amazed  and  surprised  by what i  read............
"Marriage  symbolizes  the  union  of  the opposite  forces  in  your  psyche and  the  consequent achievement  of  wholeness,  marriage is  a  symbol  of  the power  and  wisdom  that  lies  in  the  deep  parts of our  psyche"
And  all i could  add to  that  is  WOW ......................

The Breakfast

We spent a fantastic time in East London, with our family over the Christmas period, and in order to thank them for their hospitality i arranged to take them to the Fish River Sun for breakfast, my brother in law is always saying how great it is, and how much he enjoys going. I assumed that it was expensive so with that in mind we made the arrangements to go on Sunday the day before we left.
My brother in law sent us all off to bed early because we had to get up early, so we could leave early, we had an hours drive and he wanted to get there , before all the food ran out............. He was like a child before Christmas, he kept on giving us timing countdowns............ 30 minutes to go ............ 20 minutes to go ................ 10 minutes to go ......
He even asked us earlier if we had been to the "Chinbutzi" to off load to make space for the breakfast, by this time i was getting really worried as to how much this was going to cost me, luckily i had my credit card, so was ready for anything, and no matter the cost i would have still done it to say thank you ............
We arrived at exactly 8.30 and the breakfast began ............................. we were now eating all out to get our monies worth........................ I started with, grapefuit juice and Meusli with Bulgarian Yoghurt and fresh fruit mmmmmmmmmmmmm, I then , had champagne and orange juices and bacon, sausage, (the best pork sausage i have ever tasted), tomato mmmmmmmmmmmmmm, no bread allowed because that fills you, and you can't then get your monies worth ................. I then had a second breakfast of guava juice sausage, bacon and an omelete with cheese mushrooms mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm by now i am feeling a little full, but in line with "getting my monies worth" i went back a mango juice and a bowl of fruit, melons, strawberries, guava's oranges grapefruit mmmmmmmmmmm by now i was ready to open the button of my trousers and begining to feel somewhat full, did i stop no way, i was going to make quite sure that i was going to eat what i paid for so ..................... i had an orange juice and a waffle with syrup and ice cream, covered in flake and jelly tots mmmmmmmmmmmmm
By now i was not only feeling full, but also slightly sick ............................................. but did i let that stop me NO WAY....
I then ordered tea, when the waitress was pouring the tea, it looked like water so i stopped her pouring and showed her to put the pot down so that i could stir it to make it stronger, she misunderstood me somewhat and started to pour the tea into the plate next to me ........... well that was certainly the end of a quiet breakfast, we laughed so much the entire restaurant was looking at us, i can imagine what the tourists were saying about the noisy South Africans ................... well i got my cup of tea in the cup ................ and had it was a Danish pastry mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm by now i was sure i had got my money's worth so went to pay the bill ............................... it worked out to R 75.00 per peson .......................... i had eaten enough to feed a small army ................................. boy did i feel guilty ........................ especially since my brother in law left the restaurant with pockets full of pesassio nuts, he kind of kept missing his mouth and they would land in the pocket of his shirt ....................... accidently of course .......................

New Year

I cannot believe that another year has gone...................365 days........................52 weeks and the momentus occassion of my 50th birthday......................... gone forever, they say time waits for no man ............. when i look back i see the wasted time , the things i should have done and didn't, the people i should have phoned and didn't, the apologies i should have made and didn't................ I look back on this the last day of 2009 and there is a lot of regret............ a lot of things that i would have done differently if i had the chance to do it over, a lot of different decisions, a lot of different choices ......... but there is also a lot of joy, for the things i know that i did do right.
I would like to think that i did give something back for all the blessings that i know i have received, as i think of my surprise 50th birthday party, there were so many people there for me, for Karen Whittal i was so humbled by their presence, if think of the retreat, for me the highlight of my year, to be so surrounded by the presence of God is something which i will never forget, it is one of those experiences that you know no matter how hard your try cannot be repeated, cannot be duplicated, i pray that i have influenced someone, somewhere by my sermons .......... i pray that i have given just a fleeting moment of joy to someone, somewhere.................
As i go into 2010 i know that this is REALLY my year of change, but i know that i am ready, i know that i can achieve whatever i want to because God is my strength............. i can feel that he is in control, i can feel that is showing me the way, i prayed so hard for the change of heart of my husband, but each time the door was closed, and although i known that God is capable of all things, i also know that it is in his time, and that i need to bring the joy back into my life, i need to live and not to exist from day to day, i need to now consider me, my needs, my wants and my desires..................... i for the first time in my life am going to be selfish, and only do what i want to do, when i want to do it,
I know that my world will be turned upside down, i know there will be tears, I know there will be consequences.......... but i also know i am surrounded by friends who will be there for me, who will help me to to through this dark tunnel and out to the light which i know is at the end ............................
I know that when i get back into the light i will be the person i was born to be, and the person i have become over the years, in order to protect myself from the hurt, to protect myself from the insults, to protect myself from feeling will be gone forever.......................

Christmas

Yesterday was the perfect Christmas day for me, it was overcast and raining, and there was no presents to open....................nothing not one ................ no pretending that you like something, no disappointment when you did not get what you wanted, no sulking because someone got more than you, no broken anything, no gadgets that needed batteries which were not included .................................... for as long as i can remember i have not liked Christmas...........................
As a child i remember cold Christmas's we would venture out no matter what the weather, we would go and have Christmas lunch with one of the Grans and then later on go and visit the other Gran for dessert............... we would go and see all our cousins and i remember it being fun.
When we came to South Africa i have never got used to the hot Christmas's it just does not feel like Christmas, my sisters would wake up early we would open all our presents and then they would all go back to sleep, something that i have never been able to do and would leave me awake all alone, by the time they eventually woke up i had already read most of the annuals which was always the rage when i was small............... younger ............ i don't think that they even print those annuals anymore................ i wonder why ..........
In South Africa we have always had Christmas dinner on Christmas Eve because it was just to hot too have it on Christmas day, so Christmas day was always left overs ........... leftover brussel sprouts still does not work for me .......................... we always had to have 4 brussel sprouts with our Christmas dinner, we all hated them and would disguise them with tomato sauce................ or when we were younger with my Grans rubber gravy, when you were given gravy you should also have been given a fishing rod, because after your food was drowned in it, it was always difficult to find you food with out messing it all over the table, yourself, your sister , the floor ...........................
This year with the wind blowing and the rain and the cold , it really felt like Christmas................... the time when Jesus was born to change the relationship of the human race with his father................ so i supposed that it makes sense that this Christmas for me is one of change ...... my life will never be the same again .................... but i will still make my children eat their brussel sprouts.............. so that sonething of my parents will always be present as Christmas..............................